Love and Destruction

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I had to break things off with Tanya. (Decode my last blog entry to understand why.) Although it was still very early in our relationship, it had progressed to where we had declared our love for one another. I had my reasons but I knew that this break-up needed to be immediate and lasting so that I could at least let Tanya move on with her life. Also, for reasons I can't explain I needed her to stay away from me as my own resolve was untrustworthy. I thought this was all working out as planned until I ran into Tanya.

Seeing Tanya again forced me to relive the horrible way I conducted our break-up in more ways than one. Immediately, when I saw her I could sense all the emotions I knew she would have: hurt, betrayal and anger. But to my surprise she wanted to talk. I could not fathom how she was strong enough to talk with me considering the harsh words I used when we split. I knew I couldn't be that strong. If I would have spoken to her my heart would have reacted the way it always reacts when I'm around her. Thus, I would have broken and then everything I was doing for her would have been wiped away. We would have been wiped away.

To ward off this fate I did the only thing I could think of to quickly remove myself from her. Looking over I noticed that Lauren Mallory was standing close by. So, I walk up and put my arm around her. Immediately, I announced to Tanya and everyone else that Lauren and I were dating and that I thought she may be "the one." This was immensely cruel since it was just a few days ago that I held Tanya in my arms telling Lauren the same thing. From this I knew she would conclude that everything I ever told her was an act and that I was nothing more than cruel player. This was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

I was right about how she would react. I could see her face and body answer with rage. Although like always I found it unusual that her tears didn't weal up or her face turn red. Regardless, I could feel the oxygen being sucked from the room as her friends and mine gasped with disbelief at my brutality. I keep telling myself – she needs to hate me. At least one of us needs to move on without the painful memory our love being always front and center."

Luckily, before things could get too far out of hand Bella Cullen, ironically another former interest of mine, walked into the room. While I thought Bella and I were friends, recently we've had a falling out and her husband and I have are at each other's throat. As she walked into the room, I saw that familiar look on her face meaning she wanted to continue our animated conversation from the day before. It would have been even too foolish for me to stay around in a room while a determined Bella, an enrage Tanya and a thoroughly confused Lauren plotted my dissection. Instead, I took Lauren and ducked out.

Now, I owe Lauren a sincere apology and explanation – an explanation that I didn't want to give.

What is Going On?

V xabj rirelbar vf jbaqrevat jul V, nsgre snyyvat fb urnq bire urnyf va ybir jvgu Gnaln, erpragyl oebxr hc jvgu ure. V abg bayl oebxr hc jvgu ure, V oebxr hc jvgu ure va n irel unefu naq pehry jnl. Gur nafjre vf - V'z fpnerq. Vg jnf bxnl gung V xarj Gnaln jnf qvssrerag. V ybirq ure zber guna nalguvat naq gung qvqa'g znxr n qvssrerapr gb zr. Ubjrire, ure snzvyl - Fraan, Mnsevan, gur Phyyraf ernyyl sernx zr bhg. Vg jnf nyy trggvat ernyyl perrcl naq gura V jnf ivfvgrq ol n zna (jubfr anzr V jba'g erirny sbe zl bja cebgrpgvba) gbyq zr gb fgnl njnl sebz Gnaln. Ur fnvq gung V jnf raqnatrevat gur yvirf bs obgu bs hf ol fgnlvat gbtrgure. Ur irel zranpvatyl fnvq gung "va pnfrf jurer n uhzna svaqf bhg [nobhg Gnaln'f frperg], gurl jvyy or n zrny."

V unq ab pyhr jung ur jnf gnyxvat nobhg. Uhzna? Jnfa'g ur? Jnfa'g Gnaln - uhzna? Ur raqrq bhe pbairefngvba jvgu guvf qrnguyl fgner. V gubhtug V jbhyqqvr whfg sebz ybbxvat ng uvz. Ur znqr uvf cbvag ol fnlvat gung vs V inyhrq obgu Gnaln'f naq zl yvsr gung V fubhyq, "whfg raq vg."

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Abj V'z fvggvat ure pnzcrq bhg va gur Bylzcvpf jbaqrevat ubj zl yvsr tbrf ba sebz urer. V guvax V nyernql xabj gbb zhpu.

The Breakup

It seems to me that it is very hard to go back and read a conversation between two or more people in Twitter. So if you missed the break-up of Mike and Tanya – here it is. The only difference is that spelling and major grammar mistakes are corrected and Twitter IDs are replaced with the names of the associated character. If someone knows of an automatic method of extracting conversions from Twitter please leave me a note in the comment section.

Mike	*Pulling into his driveway, fidgeting as he gets out of the car, looking around as if he expects to see someone and then walking to his front door.* *Going inside, locking the front door behind him, grabbing a beer out of the fridge, plopping down on the couch and calling Tanya* VOICE MAIL: Tanya, we need to talk. There are too many things I can no longer ignore. I'm at my parent's house. Please call me.
Tanya	*Listening to a voicemail, hearing the distress in Mike's voice, runs to his house in a state of panic* *Arrives at Mike's house then knocking gently on the front door.*
Mike	*Nervously going to the front door, peering though the viewer and seeing Tanya, opening the door* Hello love.
Tanya	*Stepping inside* Mike, what's wrong? You sounded terrified, and your face is white, and... have you been drinking?
Mike	Can we just... can we just sit for a while? I need to think.
Tanya	*Nervously* Sure, let's sit. I'll wait for you to be ready to talk.
Mike	*Standing up and looking over to Tanya* I've been thinking about that talk we had on our way to Eureka. About your "family". Today, just minding my own business I got a "healthy" dose of your family. And I'm really not feeling good about it.
Tanya	*Staring blankly at Mike, with a sinking feeling developing in her middle, not liking where this conversation is going.*
Mike	I saw images of Senna, Zafrina and ~you~ hunting lions with your bare hands and ~you~ ripping out its throat with your teeth. And THAT'S not the only visions I've seen while I'm WIDE AWAKE! You driving over a 100 MPH. Dodging pot holes, people, animals, and WHATEVER got in our way! You hitting a baseball so far that even Ken Griffey would be jealous. You never sleeping. Never being around when I'm awake. I can't claim to understand who or what you are. But, if there is anything I do know, it is that you're not who I thought you were. You remind me of that circus freak, Edward Cullen. You never eat and you can stand so still that pigeons would poop on you. I'm tired of you lying to me and keeping secrets from me. I'm just tired of you and your whole, damn freakin' family. Go back to that idiot Edward if he'll have you. I'm sure with his morals he won't mind bedding two women.
Tanya	*Stunned* Mike... you can't mean what I think you mean. You know I would never choose Edward over you! I know there are things I can't tell you about me... but you have to know it's for the right reasons! You said you would love me no matter what! Forever! I know I'm different and odd, but I love you! I've never loved anyone before, and you're dumping me?! You told me it didn't matter! That what I was didn't mean anything and as long as you could be with me you wouldn't ask questions!
Mike	I'm sorry... No... I take that back. I'm not sorry. We're done. I don't want to see you anymore or ever again. And here. Take your damns gloves and bat. Maybe someone else would actually give a damn.
Tanya	Well I'm sorry! I'm sorry I could ever love someone as shallow and mean as you! You don't want to see me ever again? FINE! I'll leave you alone and it will be as if I never existed!
Mike	Just frakkin' do what you do best. Just disappear already.
Tanya	I will. *whispers* Goodbye, Mike *Turns and runs full bolt out of there, to the safety of her house*
Mike	*Thinks to himself - goodbye Tanya.... Then plopping down on the couch, pulling a pillow over his head, hoping to die.*

Alone

I don't need to talk about anything or share my feelings or listen to sad songs or get angry or any of that. What I need is to be alone. I need you to respect that. So, that's why I decided last night that I'm packing up and taking off into the Olympics to do just that – be alone. Don't come looking for me. Don't try to contact me and certainly don't trouble my family. I plan to be gone for exactly one week from today, Tuesday, May 26^th, 2009. If I am not back by noon of June 2^nd then notify Chief Swan or the authorities. In that case you should let them know that I am carrying the following gear:

• Two man tent
  
• Repelling rope, buckles, anchors
  
• Personal locator beacon
  
• 2M Transceiver
  
• Bear Spray
  
• Pistol (.38 special) and ammo
  
• Inflatable Kayak
  
• Florescent orange hiker's vest
  

I am taking all the necessary precautions except taking someone else with me.

- Mike

Self Respect

I think I hear something. Is it muffled voices? Also, there's a familiar metallic taste in my mouth. Is it blood? Disoriented, I try to focus on the frantic voices around me and then I realize they are familiar too. But, the screaming is making my head throb and my stomach nauseous. I want to tell them to stop yelling but my head and face feel like I've just run head first into a brick wall. And then it all started coming back to me.

I swung a baseball bat at Paul.

There I said it. I had my reasons though. Paul has been taking what seems to me every opportunity to dis me in front of my friends and in front of my girl. Paul is a member of the nearby Quileute tribe and he's about the same age as I am. Of course he's a trouble maker and I don't like trouble makers. I would like nothing better than to wipe the smirk off his face. Unfortunately for me, the guy, like several of his friends, is built like a mountain and any scrap would probably mean I'd be toast. But I kept thinking.

I've dealt with guys almost that big on the basketball court. They're always slower than I am and in a box out I have a lower center of gravity. Plus, with the right weapon I have enough strength to rip his flesh or break his bones. If I can just keep enough space between him and me and if I have the right weapon…

Of course the poignancy of that thought is lost on me as I regain my senses in the ER. Around me there are nurses buzzing around that keep telling me everything is going to be okay. My head feels like a busted, over-ripe melon and I'm sure it sounded like that when Paul's fist made impact. But my head feels almost soothing next to my busted nose. Of course thinking back on the fight, what little I can remember, I have no clue how things turned so bad for me. I did, after all, hit him square in the back of the head with a genuine Louisville slugger. He should be laying here, not me.

Unfortunately I'm the one laying in an uncomfortable emergency room bed. I'm the one who'll have hell to pay when Chief Swan finds out that I started the fight. I'm the one who'll have to deal with the consequences. But at least I still have my self-respect…

I'm such an idiot. I'm sure I'll be able to wrap myself in my self-respect to keep warm while I'm serving time in the State pen for assault with a deadly weapon.

Awakening

It's a beautiful, sunny day as I look out over the waves and see the rugged rock stacks rise majestically out of the water. The wind feels fresh against my face and I can feel the ocean mist simultaneously sting and renew me. As my flung body reaches apogee, the sky gradually arcs away and the beating waves below welcome me home. Falling, I hold my body taut so that I gracefully target the greenish blue turbulence below. And while holding my breath I crash through the chilly surface into a new world of muted sound and blurry sight. It is as if my senses still sleep and refuse to wake.

Struggling to right myself against the swirling, dark currents I resist vertigo to find my way back to the world of sky and sun. Flailing against the air of this world I feel myself floating and rising. As my breath becomes stale I must find my way out lest I find permanent solace in this place. Propelling upward I know I must extricate myself from my tumultuous host in order to find comfort in her arms once more.

Breaking through the briny surface my perceptions are overwhelmed with the force of light and resonance, but most of all by the glorious vision of her. It is like I am awakening for the very first time. I am stunned and in awe of her. Everything about her sustains me. Holding her shelters me, kissing her nourishes me and loving her raises me up and makes me better than I am. Her scent is of wild peony and honey and it is both captivating and erotic. As she talks to me the timbre of her voice is soothingly sweet and angelic. Now my eyes are open and I am awake and there is no going back.

Tanya, my dearest Tanya, I love you.

She Bolted

I actually thought my life was forever ruined. I mean, I had just spent a night explaining to Tanya how much I cared for her, how much she meant to me and how much I wanted to give up my philandering ways to be with her and her alone. Bet then - everything went to hell…

I suppose it’s a curse of mine that most women seem to like me… well, until they get to know me and find out that most women seem to like me. Ha! But I digress. After having told Tanya how I felt, I was expecting a “honeymoon” of sorts where everything goes perfectly. You know, that time when she can do no wrong and she ignores all of my faults. Well we skipped right over that into some freaky Twilight Zone episode. The next morning everyone seemed to be talking about us. That didn’t bother me much since I would rather have everyone talking about me than no one. Unfortunately, Tanya didn’t see it that way. She ran.

After watching Tanya bolt I was stunned and temporarily catatonic. I kept going over and over in my head the events of the past day trying to figure out what I did wrong. I mean when something goes this bad it’s usually my fault. But, I had nothing. Unfortunately, I am usually the last one to know when it comes to this sort of thing.

Before Tanya disappeared, I had discovered that she had some history with a young Quileute name Embry. He seemed like a nice guy, but I felt he still harbored feelings for her. I tried to smooth things out between us which eventually led to us shaking hands as a token gesture. But the kid had the grip of a power-vise. In fact, he nearly broke my hand. Not wanting to make matters worse I tried to be cool about it. Clearly, I couldn’t actually fault the guy for being a little upset. You see, I know all too well what it feels like to have your heart set on a particular girl only to be rebuked. In the end I think we ended up having at least some respect for one another.

Anyways, regardless of why Tanya freaked, she and I finally got to speak later that night at her new house in Forks. Truthfully, I decided to set up camp in her driveway until she calmed down enough to talk with me. The really weird part of this was that Senna, a girl I had just broken up with to be with Tanya, actually helped me calm her down so that we could talk. I owe Senna a lot for that. Hopefully, I’ll be able to repay her some day. As for my conversation with Tanya, well that’s private. All I can say is we ended up having a beautiful, erotic and a most definitely tiring night.

Cupcakin' with Tanya

In what seems like a daily from some strange parallel universe Tanya, the most beautiful woman I have every seen, spoke with me. Me - Mike Newton, otherwise know as Mr. Lame. I met Tanya once at Bella's wedding and even then I felt like my foot was pressing my tongue when I spoke. I couldn't help but wonder why this woman, this incredibly beautiful, intoxicating woman would even speak with me. But she did.

I never really understood how chemical attraction works. In high school there was this one girl who I was immediately attracted to, but there was nothing there for her. With Jessica there was this spark between us that just wouldn't let us quit on each other. However, with Tanya it wasn't so much a spark as it was a raging forest fire that threatened to consume my body leaving nothing but my charred remains in its wake. My heart seemed no longer mine as it thumped with such force I literally thought my chest would split open. When she was close, my heart beat strongly in my throat causing my words to falter and my head to float. It seemed my mind was already lost.

Will I see her again? Does she even want to see me again? Honestly, I don't know.

Yesterday

Yesterday started off like most of my days – I got up early, opened the store, dealt with customers, and wondered what I did to deserve this life. In fact until recently I felt that my life was in a serious rut and thus the reason for my chronic doldrums. I mean while all of my old friends have been away at school meeting new people and having new experiences, I’ve been stuck in Forks helping my family at our store, the Newton Outfitters. Its not like I’ve totally abandoned the idea of getting a degree, its just that I have to stay close enough so that I can go to school and continue to help out at the store. With my friends and Jessica no longer in my day to day life all I could see was the shredded remains of my life being swept away into a tidy bowl clean vortex. But then yesterday happened…

Yesterday, for the first time in months, I spent some quality time with Angela Webber and Lauren Mallory, two really good friends from High School. Both of them seemed to have changed so much but being with them felt really comfortable and I haven’t felt like that in some time. While it’s never a good idea to place yourself in the middle of girl-world, even when I was tuning out their incessant ramblings on boys and boyfriends it still felt nice just hanging out with them. If my day had ended there I would have been happy, but unexpectedly I ran into Bella Swan, another one of my High School buds. Well at least we had become buddies. But that’s a story for another time.

Running into Bella was another highlight of my day. I hadn’t seen Bella since her wedding to… well since her wedding day. I know it may seem petty but, I really can’t stand her husband. I never thought he was right for her or even good enough for her. But for Bella it was a different. Anyways I tried to say hello without showing my disdain for him to much, and for the most part it was like old times. I kidded her and she kidded me. It was definitely a pattern we repeated often in High School, but she’s not the same Bella I knew. My Bella was a serious threat to humanity with her lack of balance and her klutzy, uncoordinated bumbling. But this Bella, his Bella seemed lithe and graceful. She seemed supremely confidant and very much in love with a man for whom I care little. If I am being truthful, I am very happy for her.

After talking with Bella and seeing Angie and Lauren off to their spa treatment, I headed back to my parents place to watch the Mariners play the Rangers. Unfortunately, my Mariners were not up to the task and ended up losing 7 to 1.

After the game, that’s when things got really crazy…