Love and Destruction

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I had to break things off with Tanya. (Decode my last blog entry to understand why.) Although it was still very early in our relationship, it had progressed to where we had declared our love for one another. I had my reasons but I knew that this break-up needed to be immediate and lasting so that I could at least let Tanya move on with her life. Also, for reasons I can't explain I needed her to stay away from me as my own resolve was untrustworthy. I thought this was all working out as planned until I ran into Tanya.

Seeing Tanya again forced me to relive the horrible way I conducted our break-up in more ways than one. Immediately, when I saw her I could sense all the emotions I knew she would have: hurt, betrayal and anger. But to my surprise she wanted to talk. I could not fathom how she was strong enough to talk with me considering the harsh words I used when we split. I knew I couldn't be that strong. If I would have spoken to her my heart would have reacted the way it always reacts when I'm around her. Thus, I would have broken and then everything I was doing for her would have been wiped away. We would have been wiped away.

To ward off this fate I did the only thing I could think of to quickly remove myself from her. Looking over I noticed that Lauren Mallory was standing close by. So, I walk up and put my arm around her. Immediately, I announced to Tanya and everyone else that Lauren and I were dating and that I thought she may be "the one." This was immensely cruel since it was just a few days ago that I held Tanya in my arms telling Lauren the same thing. From this I knew she would conclude that everything I ever told her was an act and that I was nothing more than cruel player. This was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

I was right about how she would react. I could see her face and body answer with rage. Although like always I found it unusual that her tears didn't weal up or her face turn red. Regardless, I could feel the oxygen being sucked from the room as her friends and mine gasped with disbelief at my brutality. I keep telling myself – she needs to hate me. At least one of us needs to move on without the painful memory our love being always front and center."

Luckily, before things could get too far out of hand Bella Cullen, ironically another former interest of mine, walked into the room. While I thought Bella and I were friends, recently we've had a falling out and her husband and I have are at each other's throat. As she walked into the room, I saw that familiar look on her face meaning she wanted to continue our animated conversation from the day before. It would have been even too foolish for me to stay around in a room while a determined Bella, an enrage Tanya and a thoroughly confused Lauren plotted my dissection. Instead, I took Lauren and ducked out.

Now, I owe Lauren a sincere apology and explanation – an explanation that I didn't want to give.